Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Wake up call

This last weekend - talk about a wake up call! - was spent with our friends in Philly who have a 5 1/2 month year old and their friends and family who all have babies under 18 months old.  Where to start?  Jeez I'm not sure I'm ready for all that.  There is no off switch and there's no other way to put it.  It seemed like the baby was all that was on Jenny's mind.  Jason's mind too.  Plus everything else with owning a house, working, entertaining family and friends, etc. 

It scares me that I'm not sure how our lives will change.  We think we know how we will be with a baby and then a child, but everything I've heard is that you can throw those expectations out the window because everything will be different.  So I'm not sure of the change, plus I'm not sure I want change.  I'm comfortable right now.  Sure, J & J were very happy - extremely happy - besides their boughts of arguing.  I know I want that happiness though.  A baby to share the love of Andy and me.  To grow our family and the love we share.

It scares me that I might miscarry again and not be able to experience that love.  That scares me more than the thought of unknown change.  I don't think I will ever be able to get over the fright of the loss.  Even if we do have a baby. 

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Stress and pregnancy

I'm writing another post tonight because I had a pretty shitty day at work and it made me think back to what was going on at work when I had the miscarriages.  Part of me wonders if the stress I experience had a part in the miscarriages.  Racing heart, upset stomach, thinking negatively - how does that affect pregnant women?  If I have to go through what I went through today at work, plus worry about being pregnant and about my baby, I don't know.  It adds up and puts stress on the body. 

I'll probaby write more about this subject another time.

Breaking the Ice

I'm ovulating this weekend.  We could spend the weekend like rabbits, but we're going away to Philly and staying with friends.  Plus, we're not sure that we are ready for another pregnancy yet.  There's so much to talk about and we are just starting to break the ice on discussing pregnancy, babies, children.

We talked tonight about what each of us might go through after having a baby.  Andy is so funny and not like other guys.  He wants everything to  be fair and equitable.  Doesn't want me to breast feed all the time - he wants to feed and share in the "chores".  Which is fine with me!  I'm a little scared that he has all of these pre-conceived notions in his head about how things are going to be.  What scares me is when things don't go his way, he tends to flip out and not function.  I'm scared that I may have post partum and not be able to help with anything - which will cause him to flip out, and cause me to withdraw even more.  It's a vicious circle I can see happening.    But at least we're talking about this.  Which means we would be able to recognize the pattern if it starts to happen and hopefully be able to fix it or at least address it. 

Is it healthy to imagine how things are going to be after we have kids?  He wants things to be similar to how they are now and I'm afraid things are going to be completely different.  Part of me doesn't want to imagine how things will be because I think they will be completely with a baby.  I don't want to get these preconceived notions in my head and be horribly let down if they are opposite. 

So we'll keep talking and maybe wait until next month.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

My Rant - Don't Let the Trash Breed

Why is it that so many people who shouldn't have kids or who weren't planning on having kids get pregnant?  What really gets me is the people (trash) who do have kids and then don't take care of them, nurture them, abuse them, let them get strangled by a snake, leave them in a hot car, throw them out of a moving car, throw them on the ground, get my drift.  Hello....if you have any sense of humanity, would you please let me have your kid and take care of them for eternity.  It makes me just sick thinking about their helplessness and their terror at being treated this way.  Did you not hear your baby girl screaming when the snake started squeezing her?  Do you like to sit in a hot car and sufficate from the heat?  Do you have any consciense at all?  Those people with bad genes should not be allowed to get pregnant.  But I guess God has a plan for all of us.  And I hope that we eventually find out what that is.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Monday, August 24, 2009

Lost Tomorrows

Two years ago I was pregnant.  It was so exciting and the whole family was happy and ready to buy our little one lots of presents and shower him with love.  Then it happened.....or maybe it didn't happen.  I had two miscarriages 6 months apart.  The second one hit me like a semi.  So I mourned and cried like never in the movies crying.  Then I became angry.  And was jealous of a few friends and colleagues who now have babies and children.  I'm still exploring that jealousy.  And I'm cautious....about getting excited, about having sex, and even talking about pregnancy. 

Sometimes I wonder if my mourning was even justified.  I mean I only got to 7 weeks.  You hear people say "oh I would never tell anyone until after the first trimester".  Why?  Did you not get excited at that positive pregnancy test and want to shout out to the world that you would be loving something of your own for the rest of your life?  Would you decide not tell anyone to spare them the grief and embarassment of not knowing what to say at your loss?  The doctor acted as if it wasn't a big deal.  It happens, she said.  We can't explain it and it wasn't anything you did that caused it.  Bitch.  I didn't even hear a heartbeat.  Expected to hear one the day we found out that I had lost the pregnancy. Lost the wasn't even a baby?  Can I have some sympathy from my doctor or does she just expect me to bleed and cramp for an entire month and move on with my life like nothing happened? 

So how can I mourn something I didn't have?   Maybe that's it.  We expected to have her, see her, hold her, smell her, hear her.  We were excited about having our own little one and planning the rest of our lives.  I heard a quote this morning that reminded me of this life we all live -  tomorrow isn't promised to anyone.  Well, I've mourned my lost tomorrow and want and need to move on to the next tomorrow.

So I'm blogging.  I'm a virgin blogger.  Never even paid attention to a blog until I watched Julie and Julia and realized this may be a good outlet for getting my emotions out of my head and into reality.  (Is a blog really reality?)  It may be what I need so that I stop being so damned cautious and face my fears of losing another tomorrow and another dream.