Lost Tomorrows

Two years ago I was pregnant.  It was so exciting and the whole family was happy and ready to buy our little one lots of presents and shower him with love.  Then it happened.....or maybe it didn't happen.  I had two miscarriages 6 months apart.  The second one hit me like a semi.  So I mourned and cried like never before....like in the movies crying.  Then I became angry.  And was jealous of a few friends and colleagues who now have babies and children.  I'm still exploring that jealousy.  And I'm cautious....about getting excited, about having sex, and even talking about pregnancy. 

Sometimes I wonder if my mourning was even justified.  I mean I only got to 7 weeks.  You hear people say "oh I would never tell anyone until after the first trimester".  Why?  Did you not get excited at that positive pregnancy test and want to shout out to the world that you would be loving something of your own for the rest of your life?  Would you decide not tell anyone to spare them the grief and embarassment of not knowing what to say at your loss?  The doctor acted as if it wasn't a big deal.  It happens, she said.  We can't explain it and it wasn't anything you did that caused it.  Bitch.  I didn't even hear a heartbeat.  Expected to hear one the day we found out that I had lost the pregnancy. Lost the pregnancy....it wasn't even a baby?  Can I have some sympathy from my doctor or does she just expect me to bleed and cramp for an entire month and move on with my life like nothing happened? 

So how can I mourn something I didn't have?   Maybe that's it.  We expected to have her, see her, hold her, smell her, hear her.  We were excited about having our own little one and planning the rest of our lives.  I heard a quote this morning that reminded me of this life we all live -  tomorrow isn't promised to anyone.  Well, I've mourned my lost tomorrow and want and need to move on to the next tomorrow.

So I'm blogging.  I'm a virgin blogger.  Never even paid attention to a blog until I watched Julie and Julia and realized this may be a good outlet for getting my emotions out of my head and into reality.  (Is a blog really reality?)  It may be what I need so that I stop being so damned cautious and face my fears of losing another tomorrow and another dream.