Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Wake up call

This last weekend - talk about a wake up call! - was spent with our friends in Philly who have a 5 1/2 month year old and their friends and family who all have babies under 18 months old.  Where to start?  Jeez I'm not sure I'm ready for all that.  There is no off switch and there's no other way to put it.  It seemed like the baby was all that was on Jenny's mind.  Jason's mind too.  Plus everything else with owning a house, working, entertaining family and friends, etc. 

It scares me that I'm not sure how our lives will change.  We think we know how we will be with a baby and then a child, but everything I've heard is that you can throw those expectations out the window because everything will be different.  So I'm not sure of the change, plus I'm not sure I want change.  I'm comfortable right now.  Sure, J & J were very happy - extremely happy - besides their boughts of arguing.  I know I want that happiness though.  A baby to share the love of Andy and me.  To grow our family and the love we share.

It scares me that I might miscarry again and not be able to experience that love.  That scares me more than the thought of unknown change.  I don't think I will ever be able to get over the fright of the loss.  Even if we do have a baby. 

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Stress and pregnancy

I'm writing another post tonight because I had a pretty shitty day at work and it made me think back to what was going on at work when I had the miscarriages.  Part of me wonders if the stress I experience had a part in the miscarriages.  Racing heart, upset stomach, thinking negatively - how does that affect pregnant women?  If I have to go through what I went through today at work, plus worry about being pregnant and about my baby, I don't know.  It adds up and puts stress on the body. 

I'll probaby write more about this subject another time.

Breaking the Ice

I'm ovulating this weekend.  We could spend the weekend like rabbits, but we're going away to Philly and staying with friends.  Plus, we're not sure that we are ready for another pregnancy yet.  There's so much to talk about and we are just starting to break the ice on discussing pregnancy, babies, children.

We talked tonight about what each of us might go through after having a baby.  Andy is so funny and not like other guys.  He wants everything to  be fair and equitable.  Doesn't want me to breast feed all the time - he wants to feed and share in the "chores".  Which is fine with me!  I'm a little scared that he has all of these pre-conceived notions in his head about how things are going to be.  What scares me is when things don't go his way, he tends to flip out and not function.  I'm scared that I may have post partum and not be able to help with anything - which will cause him to flip out, and cause me to withdraw even more.  It's a vicious circle I can see happening.    But at least we're talking about this.  Which means we would be able to recognize the pattern if it starts to happen and hopefully be able to fix it or at least address it. 

Is it healthy to imagine how things are going to be after we have kids?  He wants things to be similar to how they are now and I'm afraid things are going to be completely different.  Part of me doesn't want to imagine how things will be because I think they will be completely with a baby.  I don't want to get these preconceived notions in my head and be horribly let down if they are opposite. 

So we'll keep talking and maybe wait until next month.